When I wear earplugs at the coffee shop, the shrill, hyperactive toddlers morph into awesome dancing monkeys instead of twenty-two-pound instruments of torture. Do you think there’s a special agency for adopting children born without vocal cords? I could totally be a parent if kids would just shut the fuck up every once in a while.
First I imagined an adoption agency for children whose vocal chords have been removed due to cancer from second-hand smoke (or first-hand if you really want to take this fantasy to a dark and awesome place). All you’d need to do is take away the little gadget that stimulates the artificial voice box they’ve been implanted with.
But really, why stop there?
Introducing the Better Man Adoption Agency
Raising Special Children for Special Families since 2017
It’s an eleven-story facility in rural Nebraska where they take all the world’s dumpster babies. There’s a ward devoted to each peculiarity an adoptive family could want their child to have. The Restricted Mobility Ward is especially popular; the babies there spend most of the day in walkers suspended a little too far from the ground. Their leg muscles don’t develop fully, so as young children, they can’t run, jump, or climb. By 2017, 92% of Americans are morbidly obese, which causes both reproductive problems and difficulty moving fast enough to chase some little brat who is running toward traffic. Demand for “veal babies” is tremendous.
Only the Nebraska staff call them veal babies. Better Man’s brochures refer to them as limited-motility toddlers, or “limos.” Limos become the latest rage after yuppies exhaust China’s supply of baby girls. Better Man’s PR department, based in Boston, is larger than the Nebraska facility. New England’s adoptive parents believe that all of the children are rescued from awful, exotic countries in Africa and South America, and that the children’s convenient afflictions are due to famine, pollution, and tropical diseases.
An optional but in-demand feature is Better Man Baby Whitening, because ain’t nobody want a black limo. Sure, the results may look like salmon left out in the rain, but with skyrocketing miscegenation rates no one in 2017 is really “white” anymore anyway.
Apply today!
[Thanks to my collaborator, who for obvious reasons wishes to remain anonymous.]
Tags: adoption agency, dancing monkeys, hyperactive toddlers
