Like Salmon Left Out In The Rain

When I wear earplugs at the cof­fee shop, the shrill, hyper­ac­tive tod­dlers morph into awe­some danc­ing mon­keys instead of twenty-two-pound instru­ments of tor­ture. Do you think there’s a spe­cial agency for adopt­ing chil­dren born with­out vocal cords? I could totally be a par­ent if kids would just shut the fuck up every once in a while.

First I imag­ined an adop­tion agency for chil­dren whose vocal chords have been removed due to can­cer from second-hand smoke (or first-hand if you really want to take this fan­tasy to a dark and awe­some place). All you’d need to do is take away the lit­tle gad­get that stim­u­lates the arti­fi­cial voice box they’ve been implanted with.

But really, why stop there?

Intro­duc­ing the Bet­ter Man Adop­tion Agency

Rais­ing Spe­cial Chil­dren for Spe­cial Fam­i­lies since 2017

It’s an eleven-story facil­ity in rural Nebraska where they take all the world’s dump­ster babies. There’s a ward devoted to each pecu­liar­ity an adop­tive fam­ily could want their child to have. The Restricted Mobil­ity Ward is espe­cially pop­u­lar; the babies there spend most of the day in walk­ers sus­pended a lit­tle too far from the ground. Their leg mus­cles don’t develop fully, so as young chil­dren, they can’t run, jump, or climb. By 2017, 92% of Amer­i­cans are mor­bidly obese, which causes both repro­duc­tive prob­lems and dif­fi­culty mov­ing fast enough to chase some lit­tle brat who is run­ning toward traf­fic. Demand for “veal babies” is tremendous.

Photo owned by Narith5 (cc)

Only the Nebraska staff call them veal babies. Bet­ter Man’s brochures refer to them as limited-motility tod­dlers, or “limos.” Limos become the lat­est rage after yup­pies exhaust China’s sup­ply of baby girls. Bet­ter Man’s PR depart­ment, based in Boston, is larger than the Nebraska facil­ity. New England’s adop­tive par­ents believe that all of the chil­dren are res­cued from awful, exotic coun­tries in Africa and South Amer­ica, and that the children’s con­ve­nient afflic­tions are due to famine, pol­lu­tion, and trop­i­cal diseases.

An optional but in-demand fea­ture is Bet­ter Man Baby Whiten­ing, because ain’t nobody want a black limo. Sure, the results may look like salmon left out in the rain, but with sky­rock­et­ing mis­ce­gena­tion rates no one in 2017 is really “white” any­more anyway.

Apply today!

[Thanks to my col­lab­o­ra­tor, who for obvi­ous rea­sons wishes to remain anonymous.]