stench of death

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A Visit

Author’s Note: My brother recently unearthed a trove of stuff I wrote in high school. I thought it would amuse you to share the worst of it. Stay tuned for a few more throughout the week.

Welcome to my woeful world, where misery mingles with the tears of despair in harmonious coexistence. Welcome to my own solitary niche where grief and turmoil brew around every street corner.

The sky is tinted with a strange, unreal red hue. No shadows are cast by the eerie sun; all the world seems bathed in darkness. Trees line the sidewalks, gnarled and twisted. Behind them, hidden from the public eye, rest the houses in which the unhappy inhabitants live. The houses vary only in the degree of blackness enveloping them. Each house has two bedrooms and a bath. There is no family room or den. Citizens long ago gave up socialization. In front of each desolate abode is a small yard. The grass is unkempt and dry, always brown, with the stench of death hovering above like a vulture circling its prey. Weeds cling desperately to life, climbing the walls like a sinister serpent crushing the life from its victim.

A man emerges from his home, wearing a somber mix of anxiety and grudging acceptance. His attire matches his disposition, paralleling his life of longing and hopelessness. He walks along a dusty road seldom traveled by others. This, the road not taken, is always avoided by man. One thing is certain as his silhouette fades from view: he will never again return here, where the sun never sets but has never truly risen. Welcome to my town, where angels of no mercy feed constantly on the innocent masses.

1996

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Seven is the number of a man

Seven years ago today a man I never met died. The sting of it lingers even now. Close members of my own family have died, and I have grieved and healed and gone on living, full of their memories, but the death of this one random person leaves me undone every time I think of it. I am beginning to suspect that I always will be.

I count the days in cups of wine and candles I have burned

Dave Carter & Tracy Grammer, 2000 Falcon Ridge Folk Festival
Dave Carter & Tracy Grammer, 2000 Falcon Ridge Folk Festival
–photo by George Green (thanks!)

He was a songwriter named Dave Carter. I don’t expect you to understand; as it is, I feel an urge to apologize for the intensity of this loss, I resist the impulse to add “just” to that last sentence. He was “just” this songwriter, you know? It’s weird to still count the days, seven years on, even if you love music. Yet I know I am not the only one feeling a little lost this day.

He wrote what he called “postmodern mythic American” music. It’s the kind of acoustic, literate music that earns comparisons to Bob Dylan, Leonard Cohen, and Townes Van Zandt. I love it for its irreverence, its compassion, and its humble, wry wonder at the world.

Many who love Dave Carter’s music speak of it in terms of having uncovered a secret treasure, all their own. His singular ability to write songs that resonate on a deeply personal level makes us a bit protective of him, makes us want to share it with the world so his memory won’t fade. It is one of the few things about which I am evangelical.

Love is a light in the sky, and an unspoken lie, and a half-whispered prayer

I first heard Dave Carter and his partner Tracy Grammer as the opening act at a Joan Baez show. When Dave started telling stories, even before they began to sing, I felt like he was sharing the truth with me, gentle and horrible and silly, undiluted. This scrawny banjo player with an afro of curls and a wistful inflection had perceived through the haze of this world at least a slant of light and seemed to want everyone else to glimpse it too. He called all of his songs “true stories,” and talking about every one of them unearthed a dozen more true stories, more characters he’d met and places he’d been.

What I remember best is “Tanglewood Tree.” Dave began with a simple observation that became a chant before turning into a sermon that turned into the song. Just when I thought it was perfect, Tracy’s violin came trilling like revelation just before the bridge.

Mother the years pass outta countin’ but no prophet comes to comfort me

We live in an absurd, joyous, sometimes frightening world, often unforgiving, and what I look to for faith are the things that give me strength or joy or peace. I believe in trees, stillness, words, and my friends. I’ve been thinking of music in that context ever since I heard Dave Carter & Tracy Grammer. It was like finding the Rosetta Stone; they made the way I thought about my life make more sense and assured me, once and for all, that everything is worth another look, and another. They let me hear what it sounds like in my head.

I don’t think it’s sadness that I feel at Dave Carter’s departure from this world. He may be a little harder to find but the things he illuminated are still shining. I am bursting with the light myself, so there is little room for grief over his absence. Maybe that’s because Dave’s not actually the source of the light. He’s the guy behind the scenes shoving things out of shadow so the rest of us can see them. The more we see, the more we’re able to see. We need not rely on him to continue seeking revelation.

I will lay my burdens in the cradle of your grace

I wish, oh I wish, Dave Carter had gone on sharing new aspects of his gift with us for years to come. His task was an unending one, so of course it feels like it was prematurely arrested, because the work of untangling the world can never be finished. The longing for new Dave Carter music and the new understanding that comes with it brings me to the brink on days like this. Then I remember: his gift is generative. Others have been stirred to share their own new visions of the world because of the words Dave Cater wrote. That tribute keeps him as present now as he ever was, and my lament only delays its further uncovering.

So I keep on looking. I remember Dave Carter, with a swelling grateful heart. Following Tracy’s lead after his death, I commit myself to sharing this music with everyone who will listen. I do my best to celebrate the union of words and melody and all the things they touch. I hope you’ll join the chorus.

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There’s a new Nanci Griffith album in the world. Every time she releases a new one I am briefly overwhelmed, taken back to 12th grade, when her music changed my life.

I haven’t always been able to tell the difference between good songs and bad, but I have always felt them deeply. I knew the words to “Folsom Prison Blues” the first time I heard it on my grandparents’ radio when I was a kid. Country music was broken by the time I started paying better attention in the 80s and 90s, though; it got reduced to platitudes, binary states. The only way to be in those “hot new country” songs was in love or in despair. Every little thing was life or death. I couldn’t help it; my fevered teenage soul took it to heart.

My senior year of high school a friend insisted that I borrow a copy of Nanci Griffith’s album Flyer, the first thing I’d ever heard that wasn’t country or pop music. I couldn’t figure out what to do with it, but I kept listening to the songs, reading the lyrics as Nanci sang. The verses were dense, there wasn’t always a chorus, and the melodies and harmonies were more complex than what I had grown up hearing. Nanci’s voice wasn’t as smooth as the ones on the radio, but its cracks and unfamiliar intonations made me believe she knew what she was singing about.

And the songs…they were full of choices, full of compromises and alternate paths and resignation. They were songs about how essential it is to acknowledge how you get to each point in your life and then to press on. What could I do but fall in love with this music?

Being a bit of a completist, I dove into Nanci’s extensive back catalog, which is about as comprehensive an introduction to folk music as you can get, thanks to an album of covers called Other Voices, Other Rooms. From that one album I learned about Kate Wolf, Townes Van Zandt, John Prine, Woody Guthrie, and finally, I learned what the big deal was about Bob Dylan. I had a lot of catching up to do.

Eventually I exhausted my mental and financial reserves trying to get as much Nanci Griffith into my life as possible, which was just as well, because it wouldn’t be long until new albums came along. Like the brand new one I’ve been listening to tonight.

Unless you’re writing a Greek epic, do not under any circumstances explicitly invoke the muse. It pisses her off.

In a career spanning 19 albums, there are bound to be a few duds. Chalk it up to vanity projects, concept albums, the occasional overindulgence of sentimentality that evidently comes with age, and more vanity projects. She once recorded “From a Distance,” god help her. The last few Nanci Griffith albums haven’t seemed up to her usual standards, so this new one, The Loving Kind, had me worried, and not just because of the title.

I listened to it on lala.com, where you can listen to the whole thing, once, for free, without having to sign in or set up an account or fill out any form of any kind, because somebody in the music business finally figured out how the goddamn internet works.

First up is, unfortunately, just the kind of latter-day Nanci Griffith song that makes me stabby. It’s called “The Loving Kind” and is about Mildred and Richard Loving, who wanted to interracial marry the way folks want to gay marry these days. I’m all for using music for social commentary, which Nanci has a history of doing well. These days, though, it seems she feels the message has to be both oversimplified and very explicit. No shades of gray, no subtle metaphor, just straightforward this-is-what-I-think songwriting. It’s like turning the holocaust into a Disney cartoon and still believing you’ve delivered any kind of weighty social commentary.

Woolworth
Creative Commons License photo credit: elmada

Another song mentions “the muse” not once but twice. Perhaps worse is something called “Things I Don’t Need,” an anti-unnecessary-plastic-objects anthem. That turns into a love song. On the face of it, this doesn’t seem so bad, but consider that the same woman once prefaced a song with a 5-minute long story about the charms of Woolworth stores and the unnecessary plastic objects therein, this new song approaches scandal.

The best new material is basically just a mediocre catalog of platitudes and generalizations (see “Party Girl” and “Sing” and “Still Life” if you’re curious). When I hear something like this from someone whose music used to be so nuanced and thoughtful, I can’t tell if they can tell the difference. It would be one thing if she’s just tired of people not getting the point and decided to bust out the sledgehammer, but I can’t be the only one who’d rather chew off his own ears than be preached to.

This isn’t just a selfish wish for a new collection of amazing songs; I think of anyone out in the world today, ready to discover something that changes the way they look at the world, and worry if this is what they find. Of course, what worked for me isn’t likely the touchstone that someone else might need. This is a lesson I have trouble remembering.

What concerns me more is another possibility: what if all the old songs that woke me up are just like these, but I was young and malleable and couldn’t tell, and now through the nostalgic fog I remember them as more eloquent, insightful and inspiring than they really were. This prospect bothers me more than it should. It doesn’t really matter; I got what I needed out of those songs when I first heard them. But if I can’t evaluate them strictly on their own terms, if I can’t get outside of my own skewed perspective, that seems like a problem.

A problem Google should be able to fix with a simple tweak of their algorithm. They already collect more data on me than I can fathom, so they should be able to apply a filter to eliminate my particular shade of rose colored glasses. Click here to denude your childhood heroes.

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